Last week GoBankingRates published an article on how to get your grown kids out of the house. After seeing it, I thought I better come clean. Our daughter, Kaye, has been back living with us for about a year after being mostly on her own for about two. She’ll be moving out again sometime this summer in a much better position, but it took a catastrophic fall to get her to learn how to manage her money.
Kaye made a series of decisions that, had we not been able to help her out, would have led to her becoming homeless. It was a serious eye opener and highlighted how vulnerable you can become.
In March of last year, Kaye moved into an apartment with her
girlfriend. Both were making minimum wage. Kaye was busing tables at a big
chain restaurant, and her girlfriend was working two jobs part time. They
didn’t make much, but between the two of them, if they were smart about their
decisions, they would have been all right.
There are several apartment complexes near us that offered relatively cheap rent for the Portland Metro area. They’re close to public transportation, which was important since neither owned a car. If they had picked one of those, their rent would have been about $500 a piece. It would be tight, but with no other big bills, they could have swung it.
They didn’t do that. They rented a much more expensive place that wasn’t nearly as accessible by public transit. Kaye’s girlfriend bought a car. Not a cheap used car but a nearly new mid-sized sedan. The payments and insurance were $500 a month. Well, they might still have been able to swing it, if the two of them picked up extra shifts.
They didn’t do that. Kaye’s girlfriend had a dispute with one of her bosses and quit. And then didn’t do much to get another job. Meanwhile, Kaye wasn’t getting enough shifts to even work 40 hours a week. The restaurant was sending her home when business was slow. She couldn’t get a second job, because she was scheduled 40 hours, but she wasn’t actually working them.
Through the month of March, we heard about spending that was extravagant, even for people who had money. They had a spa day together, and Kaye’s girlfriend had her hair done in dread locks to the tune of $300. They went out to nice dinners. I had no idea where the money was coming from.
And I’m just watching, knowing my daughter is going down in flames. She wouldn’t listen to me when I tried to show her how to make ends meet. She would barely sit still as I explained what she could really afford. She thought because she had made it on her own for a bit, she knew better. It was clear she was not going to take any of my advice.
It was tearing me up. After all, I wrote a book about this stuff. How had I screwed up with her to the point that she wouldn’t listen to me on the one thing I’m really good at? Nothing I said was getting through.
So, I shut up. My husband and I could only stand by and hope they figured it out.
Then Kaye got good news. She was offered a new job, with
higher pay, benefits, and paid leave. We were all thrilled. She was to start on
April 15th. She gave notice at the restaurant. I cautioned her to
make sure she worked until she started the new job. She was going to need the
She didn’t do that. She left her restaurant job as soon as
she could at the end of March. It left two weeks before she started her new
job, and it would be another three weeks before she would be paid again. Five
weeks total without a paycheck. Her girlfriend working 20 hours a week at
minimum wage. Things were getting very dark.
Meanwhile her relationship with her girlfriend was
deteriorating quickly. By the end of April, they were breaking up. They had no
money. Kaye had sold a few pieces of jewelry to scrape together money for food.
There was no way they were going to be able to pay rent in May. She finally
came to us for help. All told, it took only about six weeks for them to crash
With the caveat that Kaye would pay us back, we covered the
May rent, giving Kaye’s girlfriend the time to find another place to live. She
ultimately went back home to her own parents. We also covered the fee to break
the lease, so neither would have a hit to their credit. All in we paid over
Kaye moved back in with us with the understanding that while she lived with us, she had to attend the Mom school of basic money management. The first thing she and I did was create a budget. We researched what she’d pay for rent and utilities in a roommate situation by searching Craigslist roommate wanted ads. We estimated the cost for food, laundry and toiletries. Since she needed a car for work, we agreed to sell her one of ours over time. So, car insurance was added to the list of mandatory expenses.
Each month Kaye gave us the money to cover these expenses,
and we put it in a money market account for her. These were bills she would
have to pay if she lived on her own. In addition, Kaye covered other costs out
of her remaining money. Things like gas for the car, haircuts, her phone and
any other spending came out of what was left after she paid these mandatory
To make sure she didn’t overspend, I asked Kaye to sit down and write out how she would spend every dollar of her paycheck before she spent any money. She simply wrote it in a ledger. She itemized the expenses and planned out how she would spend her remaining money. To help break her impulsive spending habits, she left her money and debit card at home, unless she had a planned expense to pay.
One year later, Kaye routinely plans how she’ll spend her money. By making the payments to us, she has saved enough money to cover three months of living expenses and more than enough to cover move in costs when she is ready to move out. In just a few months, she will have paid enough to buy the car from us. Of course, she couldn’t have made so much progress so quickly if she didn’t live at home. But it’s still a big accomplishment.
On her own, she’s also saving money to maintain her car, and cover her healthcare plan deductible and some potential out of pocket healthcare expenses. She saved enough money to have a short vacation in January and is saving for another trip in October. When she does move out, I believe she will have the skills she needs to stay afloat. She gave me permission to write this story about her experience, in case it would help someone else.
It didn’t take long for Kaye to appreciate her planning routine. She feels in control of her money and now uses it to do what she wants within what her income will support.
For a comprehensive, step-by-step guide to building your own financial plan, pick up my book, Save Yourself; Your Guide to Saving for Retirement and Building Financial Security. It is now available on Amazon.